April 15, 2011

Anger Management Using the Compliment Sandwich

The next time someone hurts your feelings or offends you, instead of bottling things up or exploding, why not try something new and give a compliment sandwich?
You might be pleasantly surprised by the results.

Do you ever find yourself getting more and more angry and frustrated while trying to explain what is bothering you?

Perhaps you feel like others are not really listening to you or trying to understand things from your perspective. In such circumstances, you may end up raising your voice or becoming verbally or even physically abusive. Unfortunately, responding in this manner usually decreases your chances of being listened to with empathy and compassion.
Another maladaptive way of handling your feelings, perhaps out of fear of losing control, is to work extra hard at keeping everything bottled up inside. What happens here is similar to what happens when a balloon keeps filling up with more and more air. The balloon will expand as far as it can and then eventually pop.

However, if the balloon periodically releases some of its air, the likelihood is it will never reach that point of popping. Similarly, a person who uses assertive communication will be much less likely to become explosive. As one of the eight core anger management techniques, assertive communication involves honestly and effectively communicating your feelings while doing so in a nonhostile fashion.
Perhaps most challenging when using assertive communication is to express your feelings without the other person becoming angry or defensive. What makes this so difficult is that people, for the most part, do not like to be criticized. Telling somebody what they did wrong, what you do not like about their behavior, or how they hurt your feelings can very easily trigger a negative reaction.

One of the most effective ways of using assertive communication is by using a technique known as the Compliment Sandwich



To help illustrate, here is an example of the Compliment Sandwich:

The meat of the sandwich (your complaint, criticism, or concern) is surrounded by two pieces of bread (compliments or positive feedback).
In order to minimize defensiveness, you would begin with a compliment (the first piece of bread), then present the main message that you are trying to communicate (the meat), and then finish with another compliment (the second piece of bread).
 Example:
I have always considered you to be one of my best friends (first compliment / positive feedback).So when I heard that you were talking behind my back, I felt really hurt. What I need is for you to talk to me directly and not get others involved (critical feedback).You have always been there for me in the past and I know I can still count on you (second compliment /positive feedback).

As you can see in the aforementioned example, the Compliment Sandwich made it possible for an important communication to be made in a nonhostile manner. By opening and closing with positive feedback, a friendly tone was set and an important message was able to be conveyed.

Rather than aggressively attack the other person and risk making matters worse or bottle things up and become potentially explosive, this type of communication allows one to get things off his or her chest without putting the other person on the defensive.

There are, however, a few key suggestions for using the Compliment Sandwich effectively. 
First, it is essential that your praise be genuine. As challenging as it may seem with some of the more difficult people in your life, you should be able to think of at least two things to say that are both complimentary and sincere. It may take some extra thought on your part, but there is almost always something positive that you can say. 
It is also important to avoid overuse of this technique so that your words do not appear to be contrived. Finally, your compliments should in some way be related to the critical message that you are trying to convey. This is necessary in order for the conversation to flow smoothly and to feel genuine. 
Thus, the example provided earlier would lose its effectiveness if the compliments seemed to be out of left field (e.g., “I have always admired your dancing ability.” and “You are such a terrific football player.”). These compliments may be genuine, but have absolutely nothing to do with your friend talking behind your back. 
By properly using anger management techniques such as the Compliment Sandwich, you can minimize the potential cost of anger. Health problems, impaired self-esteem, damaged relationships, emotional scarring of one’s children, and a drop in productivity at work are all potential outcomes of uncontrolled anger. On the other hand, when channeled properly, anger can have many benefits.
So the next time someone hurts your feelings or offends you, instead of bottling things up or exploding, why not try something new and give a compliment sandwich? You might be pleasantly surprised by the results.


- by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist

SHARE WITH US YOUR THOUGHTS !

2 comments:

  1. As a means to help improve health, more people should consider their option to call a therapist before it turns destructive. There are plenty of ways to combat daily spurts of anger to keep it all from building up. There are soom good examples here. Good Article!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Justifiable Anger + Self-improvement = "Her Letters from Prison"

    I (Heather Heaton) am recommending my new ebook ("Her Letters from Prison") as a motivational resource for reading pleasure, review, contemplation, and comment. My ebook will validate your inquisitive doubts about what goes on in women’s prisons; it can justify the efforts spent toward ministries to women’s prisons; and it can be an inspirational (tell-it-like-it-is) resource for drug rehab/prevention programs. The book is non-fiction inspirational prison romance (It is what it is!); and the original letters are included as images for authenticity. You can go to http://www.heather-heaton.com and purchase “Her Letters from Prison”, Parts 1 and 2.

    If you don’t happen to own a Kindle, Nook, or some other eReader device, then download the FREE Adobe Digital Editions software to your computer to read the “epub” version of my ebook as purchased from Smashwords. Multiple versions of my ebook are available on Smashwords.

    I am a 34 year old college student trying to better my life, in spite of the baggage I carry from my previous life. To date, I have been quite successful in accomplishing this goal; and I will use the proceeds from the book to help support myself. My picture is posted, with my book descriptions, at Smashwords.

    My recently published ebook is entitled ("Her Letters from Prison: Part 1 & Part 2", by Heather Heaton). The ebook was published at Smashwords (www.smashwords.com). A brief description of the ebook follows:
    1. Breanna tells the true story of her experiences in prison through her letters to her friend Heath. This is a story of survival and a quest to make a better life. The letters describe the daily shocking events of prison life involving drugs, sex, utter devastation and humiliation, anger, hopelessness, despair, and finally happiness and hope.

    2. Breanna's "truth" stands still even as the world around her trembles and burns! Bad things do happen to good people; and Breanna is the perfect example of this truth.

    3. Breanna's inner strengths and principles eventually win out over the corruption and evil that surrounds her. With God's help, Breanna survives the horrible experiences of prison life and regains her self-confidence and hope for a better life.

    4. "Breanna" was an inmate at Tutwiler Women's Prison from 2007 to 2009.

    5. "Breanna" benefitted from women's prison ministries and the LIFE Tech-Wetumpka state-funded self-help program.

    Sincerely,
    Heather Heaton
    http://www.heather-heaton.com
    http://www.herlettersfromprison.com

    Customer/Reader Review of “Her Letters from Prison”
    Heather, ever since you first contacted me about your ebooks (and when I received them) I have been giving them traction. At least two women on my case load checked them out, (like a library card so I would get them back) and were very moved by the content. I haven’t had another problem with their behavior since they read them. So…I know they are working. They should be required reading, ordered by a Judge before women are sentenced to probation, so that they would fully understand the consequences of their behavior.
    Gary Parsons
    Parole Officer
    State of Alabama – Board of Pardons & Parole

    ReplyDelete